Limericks by Gillian F Taylor

I like to compose limericks to celebrate my friends' birthdays, special occasions and other events. There is a grain of truth in most of what follows, otherwise they wouldn't be so amusing, but don't take them all too literally. Apologies to any friends who feel that they have been misrepresented.

Friends (or not, when they read these)

The particular talent of Rory
Is his gift for telling a story
But the best are crude
And frequently lewd
And would never be on Jackanory

The first time Hugh ran the quiz he
worked himself into a tizzy.		
He stammered and dithered
and repeated and blithered
until the contestants were dizzy.

There once was a girl called Kristina
whose diet was making her meaner.
She bit off Ed's head
and ate it with bread
but it's low-fat, so she ended up leaner.

Now Adam likes to program in C
So he got real upset when he
Wrote brilliant code
in brain-dead mode							
then lost it when he pressed the wrong key

after a fair few drinks our krissy
becomes a flirtatous missy
she bear-hugged Phil
(quite against his will)
and chased Adam home, crying 'kiss, kissy'

An accident happened to Hugh
While messing aorund with some glue
He lost all his beard
Which looks pretty wierd
But there was nothing else for him to do.

Phil doesn't suffer fools gladly
And he goes to work quite sadly
He hates to watch
the way people botch
their shit-simple work so badly

The Misadventures of Phil (Or, What happens if you spend the night drinking Newcastle Brown)

We're beginning to think that Phil
Is clearly over the hill.
His Newcastle Brown
he couldn't keep down
And Phil doesn't stay full when he's ill.

Now some women might get a thrill
from being drooled over by hairy Phil
But he hurled on Kate's feet
and collapsed in a heap
with his dignity lower than nil 

He looked like he'd been through the mill
But Kate was all ready to kill.
Phil was pissed as a newt
and one kick from her boot
would have seen us all reading his will.

So we slipped her a sedative pill
and sent him the dry cleaning bill
to get out the stain.
But if he does it again
there'll be no more good will for poor Phil.

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